2 posts tagged “university”

-Iowa Central Community College President Robert Paxton is forced to resign his post after a picture surfaces of him engaged in a mini-keg chug-a-thon. The pasty former president appears to be opening the spigot of the keg, which is held above a young girl’s mouth. Paxton claims that he had done nothing wrong, but the school board disagrees: “In the photo you can clearly see the keg is Coors Light – that sort of stuff might fly at a Vo-Tech high school, but certainly not this University,” said a board member, who then proceeded to chug a Sierra Nevada to “teach a lesson about quality.”

-McCarren Pool is no more. This concert venue hosted its last show, and closed down this week for a scheduled overhaul. They are replacing the venue with an actual community pool, slated to open next summer. While the local mangy hipsters are very upset, at least we know they will eventually get a bath.

-The Times published a piece on the upsurge of Low-Alcohol Beers. The brew makers have lowered the alcoholic content, delivering the taste without the tipsiness. Their target audience – beer drinkers who think they should be able to get the gut without the annoying nonsense of being drunk.

-Some guy gave some speech in some stadium. We’re not sure what it was all about – mainly because we passed out 5 minutes in (we were playing a drinking game where we were to chug every time he said “change” – wow did we get sloshed quick!).

-It’s a long weekend! We don’t know what your plans are, but on this Labor Day, be sure to make them extra fun. We plan on an exotic staycation – first it’s over to the Hawaiian Tropic Zone for some colorful cocktails and then on to Build-a-Bear where we will drunkenly build someone who will hopefully, finally, take us seriously.

There has been a lot of recent chatter about lowering the drinking age from 21 to 18, but Barfly is pleased to see someone actually taking a stand on this issue – though its probably more appropriate to refer to their stand as a drunk-off-their ass-sway.  A group of 100 college presidents signed a letter this week calling on state legislatures to lower the drinking age – claiming that the current minimum age actually promotes binge drinking. To celebrate the bravery of these administrators and show solidarity with their cause, college students throughout the country drank to the point of blacking-out.

Needless to say, Mothers Against Drunk Driving is in a tizzy – and not the fun kind of tizzy in which they bake us lots and lots of cookies. The anti-alcohol group is a staunch opponent of the drinking-age change, claiming that it can only lead to more traffic fatalities. They blame the college administrators for not enforcing proper drinking laws, and claim it’s the lack of enforcement that creates the problem.

“We all know how these college professors are with their tweed jackets and their Edward Said,” a spokeswoman from MADD explained. “Just because their novel didn’t get published doesn’t mean they have to give alcohol to comp-lit majors so they can look cool.”

What type of schools would actually promote such a cause? One obvious candidate – Phoenix University – is actually not taking part. “It’s about priorities,” their President claimed. “We’re too busy with our Aren’t Phonetics Enuff Campaign. It has to be about what is truly important to our students.”

The presidents of Duke, Dartmouth and Ohio State were among the signatories of the letter. The rationale beyond each signature varies, but all agree that the drinking age needs at the very least a vigorous debate. Duke tried to introduce a last minute clause that expanded the proclamation to include a “true dialogue” on how many sports team members constitute a gang rape, but were shut out when the liberal New England universities rolled their eyes and countered “Dear dear –haven’t we moved on from such Neanderthalism? 5.”

Sadly – as Barfly has reported in the past – it is highly unlikely that the drinking age will change in the foreseeable future. MADD has a very powerful sway over state legislatures – their Oatmeal Raisin is apparently to die for (just not while driving drunk). There is a slight glimpse of hope, as Barack Obama is scheduled to accept the democratic nomination in only a few days time. Though the chance is slim, he may thank his young voters by taking up this drunken mantle. In any case – they are sure to be rewarded, as a key goal of his first 100 days is to have the nation smokin’ doobies in no time.