7 posts tagged “liquor”

-Iowa Central Community College President Robert Paxton is forced to resign his post after a picture surfaces of him engaged in a mini-keg chug-a-thon. The pasty former president appears to be opening the spigot of the keg, which is held above a young girl’s mouth. Paxton claims that he had done nothing wrong, but the school board disagrees: “In the photo you can clearly see the keg is Coors Light – that sort of stuff might fly at a Vo-Tech high school, but certainly not this University,” said a board member, who then proceeded to chug a Sierra Nevada to “teach a lesson about quality.”

-McCarren Pool is no more. This concert venue hosted its last show, and closed down this week for a scheduled overhaul. They are replacing the venue with an actual community pool, slated to open next summer. While the local mangy hipsters are very upset, at least we know they will eventually get a bath.

-The Times published a piece on the upsurge of Low-Alcohol Beers. The brew makers have lowered the alcoholic content, delivering the taste without the tipsiness. Their target audience – beer drinkers who think they should be able to get the gut without the annoying nonsense of being drunk.

-Some guy gave some speech in some stadium. We’re not sure what it was all about – mainly because we passed out 5 minutes in (we were playing a drinking game where we were to chug every time he said “change” – wow did we get sloshed quick!).

-It’s a long weekend! We don’t know what your plans are, but on this Labor Day, be sure to make them extra fun. We plan on an exotic staycation – first it’s over to the Hawaiian Tropic Zone for some colorful cocktails and then on to Build-a-Bear where we will drunkenly build someone who will hopefully, finally, take us seriously.

Talk about a libation vacation! There has been a growing chorus of complaints regarding British tourists on holiday in other European countries. Apparently, to the English men and women who make the jaunt across the channel, ‘on holiday’ means getting blasted and making as much of a drunken ruckus as possible (i.e. showing those dumb Greeks some bum!).

While normal visitors are busy doing boring things like scuba diving and “eating breakfast”, the British are showing us what the fun holiday activities really are: vomiting in the street, stumbling from balconies, getting horribly maimed, and (most fun of all) dying of alcohol poisoning. With this sort of vacation magic, their last words surely were “Tally-ho!”

The host countries are starting to grouse and some are considering ways to stem alcohol that flows toward these pasty tourists. Yawn. How can they think such fun is unacceptable? Cases in point –

-Two drunken British girls tried to beat an airline stewardess with a bottle of vodka and then attempted to force the airline’s emergency exit hatch open while in flight. They claimed that they “needed some air”. Don’t pass such harsh judgments. We bet the fellow passengers could have used some air too – after being witness to such hilarity they surely were out of breath from laughter.

-In 2006, 1,591 Britons died in Spain and over 2,000 were arrested there. Barfly would like to point out that such statistics are easy to misread – it is not clear that ALL of the deaths have to do with binge drinking. Upon further investigation we discovered that only 1,499 deaths had to do with alcohol – one was fatally wounded by spoiled goat cheese and the other’s cause of death was listed as “mysterious Basque related causes.”

-After a night at the clubs, a twenty-something British tourist excused herself and returned to her hotel room, where she gave birth. Yes, we understand there is a bit of impropriety here – no one knew she was pregnant, and the hotel was certainly not the place to secretly birth a child. That’s what the foam clubs are for.

The tourism industry blames the binging on obscenely cheap bar specials that are intended to get the travelers lubricated. While they admit that they do offer excellent bargains to lure the patrons in, the bar owners don’t think that it’s much of a problem. One operator explains “In 2007, 28 Britons were raped while in Greece. Come on, we can do better than that!”

Indeed – we believe they can! We believe in them so much, that we just booked tickets for our next holiday!

Barfly is sad, ladies and gentlemen. The Olympics are winding down, and won’t be back for another 4 years. We shed a tear into our martini – what are we supposed to do when we want to see underage Chinese athletes performing feats of wonder? No – not that – how can you suggest such a thing? We were banned from that massage parlor months ago (we still insist that we were just being playful – we didn’t imagine that the hot stones were that hot).

Once Beijing closes down this weekend, we’ll have to go back to traveling with the Cirque du Soleil circuit. Their body stockings may have more pizzazz, but there is none of the Olympic glory that we’ve fed on for these past two weeks. And, no – New Age Music + a smoke machine does not equal Olympic glory.

We’d like to take this moment to toast the Beijing Olympics, and our favorite Olympian – Michael Phelps. Don’t worry – we’re not on that ridiculous band wagon because of all the shiny medals that he’s won. We can win shiny things too, you know (like for punching him in the face). We salute Mr. Phelps for the DUI citation he received after the 2004 games.

Only 19 at the time, Phelps received 18 months probation when he was pulled over on suspicion of drunk driving and blew a .08 - above the legal limit. That’s a gold medal in our books. And, leveraging fame and athletic prowess to get what is effectively a slap on the wrist? Now – that’s the true Olympic Spirit.

So – we salute the Olympics in their closing days. Athletes in top form, nations coming together to compete, Bela Karolyi raving like a madman about underage gymnasts – it’s been nothing but a success in our books. Following in the footsteps of Mr. Phelps – we’re going to start training for 2012. If he can win loads of medals after the drunken debacle of his DUI – then surely we can at least qualify for the games and maybe even get some ass.

There has been a lot of recent chatter about lowering the drinking age from 21 to 18, but Barfly is pleased to see someone actually taking a stand on this issue – though its probably more appropriate to refer to their stand as a drunk-off-their ass-sway.  A group of 100 college presidents signed a letter this week calling on state legislatures to lower the drinking age – claiming that the current minimum age actually promotes binge drinking. To celebrate the bravery of these administrators and show solidarity with their cause, college students throughout the country drank to the point of blacking-out.

Needless to say, Mothers Against Drunk Driving is in a tizzy – and not the fun kind of tizzy in which they bake us lots and lots of cookies. The anti-alcohol group is a staunch opponent of the drinking-age change, claiming that it can only lead to more traffic fatalities. They blame the college administrators for not enforcing proper drinking laws, and claim it’s the lack of enforcement that creates the problem.

“We all know how these college professors are with their tweed jackets and their Edward Said,” a spokeswoman from MADD explained. “Just because their novel didn’t get published doesn’t mean they have to give alcohol to comp-lit majors so they can look cool.”

What type of schools would actually promote such a cause? One obvious candidate – Phoenix University – is actually not taking part. “It’s about priorities,” their President claimed. “We’re too busy with our Aren’t Phonetics Enuff Campaign. It has to be about what is truly important to our students.”

The presidents of Duke, Dartmouth and Ohio State were among the signatories of the letter. The rationale beyond each signature varies, but all agree that the drinking age needs at the very least a vigorous debate. Duke tried to introduce a last minute clause that expanded the proclamation to include a “true dialogue” on how many sports team members constitute a gang rape, but were shut out when the liberal New England universities rolled their eyes and countered “Dear dear –haven’t we moved on from such Neanderthalism? 5.”

Sadly – as Barfly has reported in the past – it is highly unlikely that the drinking age will change in the foreseeable future. MADD has a very powerful sway over state legislatures – their Oatmeal Raisin is apparently to die for (just not while driving drunk). There is a slight glimpse of hope, as Barack Obama is scheduled to accept the democratic nomination in only a few days time. Though the chance is slim, he may thank his young voters by taking up this drunken mantle. In any case – they are sure to be rewarded, as a key goal of his first 100 days is to have the nation smokin’ doobies in no time.

Gentle reader – we’ve been spending so much time on enunciation (please – stop – we know where the goddamn rain falls already) that an integral part of the Sophisticate’s Guide has been neglected. Yes, we’re talking about vocabulary (drunken synonym: vocabbuuualarrry). You may slur it, but you’ll still have to use it. How else are you supposed to impress people into buying you free martinis? Ha – your looks? Indeed – when you’re memorizing the dictionary, be sure to look up uncomely and pie-hole (as in ‘your’).

We’ve taken the liberty of fleshing out some drunk-speak to get you started. While you fill-in some flash cards, we’re off to get free drinks. Don’t be jealous - it’s not our fault that our pie-hole happens to be pulchritudinous.

Ripped – (adj.) –A state of supreme drunkenness in which the intoxicated party tries to tear clothing off of both themselves and others in the room. In the case that they are already naked and there is no one else in the vicinity, the individual may start to savage newspaper, curtains, or any other material that they might mistake for the dreaded “commie in the corner.”

Origin – Greek – Originally used as a musing on the state of a hung-over citizen: “Oh shit, you must have had quite the night at the bacchanal, thine toga got ripped.”

Uses: 1. I can’t wait to get ripped tonight –lovely girl in the corner just wants me to tear her clothes off. 2. Dude – why is your grandmother’s bible all like, in pieces? We must’ve been RIPPED bro!

Gin blossoms – (n.) – The broken blood vessels on an elderly drunk’s cheeks and nose, a symptom of years of alcohol abuse. Also known as that crap on that old guys face.

Origin – Anglo-Saxon – During the Victorian Era, genteel women used to splash gin on their cheeks to add color. When they obtained the perfect hue, they were refereed to as ‘blossoms’. If they actually drank the gin and showed the signs of drunkenness, they were committed to the asylum and treated for hysteria.

Uses: 1. A jolly old man arrives at your dinner party – “Well, I didn’t have time to stop for flowers, but I (motions to face) brought Gin Blossoms! You have sherry, right?” 2. “I feel so horrible about these gin blossoms on my face. It’s so embarrassing. Did they really have to be named after such a shitty band?”

Hair of the Dog – (n.) – A hangover cure, taken the morning after a hefty bender. The drink must be alcoholic to balance out the withdrawal going on in your system. Usually a Bloody Mary, or another 16 beers.

Origin – 1920’s U.S.A. – Prohibition is raging, and so are the hangovers. A snake-oil salesman actually convinces his patients that the cure lies in the newfangled medicine of ‘licking the nearest dog on the back’. For this he charges $3, plus the $20 he takes in for the bathtub gin that is used to wash the dog-taste out of the patient’s mouth. Works every time!

Uses: 1. “Ugh – I just woke up on the bathroom floor with blood all over, and my wife’s dead body is in the tub. I need some hair of the dog.” 2. “Come on Rover, you can come out from under the porch, daddy just wanted some Hair of the Dog, we swear.”