2 posts tagged “beer”
This Week in Drunktown: What are you drinking for Labor Day?
-Iowa Central Community College President Robert Paxton is forced to resign his post after a picture surfaces of him engaged in a mini-keg chug-a-thon. The pasty former president appears to be opening the spigot of the keg, which is held above a young girl’s mouth. Paxton claims that he had done nothing wrong, but the school board disagrees: “In the photo you can clearly see the keg is Coors Light – that sort of stuff might fly at a Vo-Tech high school, but certainly not this University,” said a board member, who then proceeded to chug a Sierra Nevada to “teach a lesson about quality.”
-McCarren Pool is no more. This concert venue hosted its last show, and closed down this week for a scheduled overhaul. They are replacing the venue with an actual community pool, slated to open next summer. While the local mangy hipsters are very upset, at least we know they will eventually get a bath.
-The Times published a piece on the upsurge of Low-Alcohol Beers. The brew makers have lowered the alcoholic content, delivering the taste without the tipsiness. Their target audience – beer drinkers who think they should be able to get the gut without the annoying nonsense of being drunk.
-Some guy gave some speech in some stadium. We’re not sure what it was all about – mainly because we passed out 5 minutes in (we were playing a drinking game where we were to chug every time he said “change” – wow did we get sloshed quick!).
-It’s a long weekend! We don’t know what your plans are, but on this Labor Day, be sure to make them extra fun. We plan on an exotic staycation – first it’s over to the Hawaiian Tropic Zone for some colorful cocktails and then on to Build-a-Bear where we will drunkenly build someone who will hopefully, finally, take us seriously.
We’ve
experimented before with serving draught beer at our sophisticated home
bar. After hours of scientific tomfoolery, we found that there was just
no simple way to convert our dishwasher into a proper kegerator. We were disappointed that we couldn’t pour a proper draft
using said machine – humanity might as well go back to the washboard
and lye if this is what people consider “technology”. Though, we were
pleased to learn that the apparatus proved perfect for laundering our
numerous cummerbunds (not to mention the impressive gleam it gave to
our sterling cuff-links).
Frustrated and thirsty, we did what any good American would do in this situation: we turned to the Germans. They have been at the forefront of technological innovation ever since they combined the wiener and the schnitzel – surely they would provide a solution. And, before we could say, “Geben Sie uns ein verdammtes Bier” (translation: What – do we look Deutsch to you? Sprechen sie yourself), we found the answer. Fancy-schmancy kitchen company Krups has saved the day with The BeerTender.
The sleek gadget cools a mini-keg of Heineken to an icy temperature that will be sure to impress your derelict group of beer-mooching friends. The unit is small enough to slide in to any home bar while being less obtrusive than your beer gut. This makes it perfect for enjoying a few frothy pints. If you seem to be out of beer glasses for the moment (the cummerbunds may have come out fresh, but our experiment with suspenders left the dishwasher on fire) you can strategically position yourself and easily pour directly into your gaping mouth. Be sure to have someone take a picture while you assume this position - you won’t be able to get over how much you resemble a cute baby bird.
We were all ready to start pouring when we realized the downside – The BeerTender costs $299. Uh – Germans – great product and all, but how can we be expected to afford that when we spent all of our money on beer? Guess we’d have to “save up” (how tiresome). In the meantime, we resigned ourselves to doing home draft beer the American way – we grabbed the screwdriver, a case of Bud Light, and started shot-gunning away.
