Drink of the Week: Heineken from the BeerTender

We’ve experimented before with serving draught beer at our sophisticated home bar. After hours of scientific tomfoolery, we found that there was just no simple way to convert our dishwasher into a proper kegerator.  We were disappointed that we couldn’t pour a proper draft using said machine – humanity might as well go back to the washboard and lye if this is what people consider “technology”. Though, we were pleased to learn that the apparatus proved perfect for laundering our numerous cummerbunds (not to mention the impressive gleam it gave to our sterling cuff-links).

Frustrated and thirsty, we did what any good American would do in this situation: we turned to the Germans. They have been at the forefront of technological innovation ever since they combined the wiener and the schnitzel – surely they would provide a solution. And, before we could say, “Geben Sie uns ein verdammtes Bier” (translation: What – do we look Deutsch to you? Sprechen sie yourself), we found the answer. Fancy-schmancy kitchen company Krups has saved the day with The BeerTender.

The sleek gadget cools a mini-keg of Heineken to an icy temperature that will be sure to impress your derelict group of beer-mooching friends. The unit is small enough to slide in to any home bar while being less obtrusive than your beer gut. This makes it perfect for enjoying a few frothy pints. If you seem to be out of beer glasses for the moment (the cummerbunds may have come out fresh, but our experiment with suspenders left the dishwasher on fire) you can strategically position yourself and easily pour directly into your gaping mouth. Be sure to have someone take a picture while you assume this position - you won’t be able to get over how much you resemble a cute baby bird.

We were all ready to start pouring when we realized the downside – The BeerTender costs $299. Uh – Germans – great product and all, but how can we be expected to afford that when we spent all of our money on beer? Guess we’d have to “save up” (how tiresome). In the meantime, we resigned ourselves to doing home draft beer the American way – we grabbed the screwdriver, a case of Bud Light, and started shot-gunning away.