Can Michael Phelps break his DUI record?

Barfly is sad, ladies and gentlemen. The Olympics are winding down, and won’t be back for another 4 years. We shed a tear into our martini – what are we supposed to do when we want to see underage Chinese athletes performing feats of wonder? No – not that – how can you suggest such a thing? We were banned from that massage parlor months ago (we still insist that we were just being playful – we didn’t imagine that the hot stones were that hot).

Once Beijing closes down this weekend, we’ll have to go back to traveling with the Cirque du Soleil circuit. Their body stockings may have more pizzazz, but there is none of the Olympic glory that we’ve fed on for these past two weeks. And, no – New Age Music + a smoke machine does not equal Olympic glory.

We’d like to take this moment to toast the Beijing Olympics, and our favorite Olympian – Michael Phelps. Don’t worry – we’re not on that ridiculous band wagon because of all the shiny medals that he’s won. We can win shiny things too, you know (like for punching him in the face). We salute Mr. Phelps for the DUI citation he received after the 2004 games.

Only 19 at the time, Phelps received 18 months probation when he was pulled over on suspicion of drunk driving and blew a .08 - above the legal limit. That’s a gold medal in our books. And, leveraging fame and athletic prowess to get what is effectively a slap on the wrist? Now – that’s the true Olympic Spirit.

So – we salute the Olympics in their closing days. Athletes in top form, nations coming together to compete, Bela Karolyi raving like a madman about underage gymnasts – it’s been nothing but a success in our books. Following in the footsteps of Mr. Phelps – we’re going to start training for 2012. If he can win loads of medals after the drunken debacle of his DUI – then surely we can at least qualify for the games and maybe even get some ass.